did you get engaged???
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
