I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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