woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
