oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
whose parrot is this?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
