Moan for me like Helen Keller
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I miss vodka workout Fridays
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
