I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
