so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
