this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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