So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
