my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
All the doctor said was why
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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