I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
