I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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