I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
