Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
