She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
