I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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