I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Dicks are not precious.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
