And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
