Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I would ride that face into the sunset
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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