I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
