I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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