he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
