They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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