apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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