I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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