They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
