What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
