i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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