did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
