my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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