Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
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