Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
