when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You were trust falling into bushes
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
