I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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