i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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