was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
