i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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