Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
