If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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