He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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