Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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