i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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