The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize