Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Boobs are out for the taking
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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