finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
