my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
