why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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