can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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