I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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