WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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