I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
God gave him joint rollers for hands
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
