Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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