I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Thank you for not boning my boss.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
