I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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