all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
