Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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