There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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