I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Shitshow foam night was such a success
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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