I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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