it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
