Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
