I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
