Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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