My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize