I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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