Joe is yelling at the trees again.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
