shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
